| Thursday, April 27, 2006 |
| More Frustrations... |
I don't want anyone to think I'm just some angry person goin through emotional fits {although that's what my latest posts say...lol} but some things just make me sick!
So you're not married, you're a minister, you sing in the choir, he directs the choir, you even get in a pulpit and PREACH the Gospel, you have no degree, no job, neither one of you has developed any kind of 401K {trust it's very important in choosin a mate} and you have the NERVE to be pregnant!!!???
I don't get it! Don't send me no retarded invitation to no baby shower: I'M NOT COMING!!! and you're still singing in the choir and directing sometimes....ARE YOU KIDDIN ME!?!?! Sit down somewhere and ask yourself...if I'm supposed to be holy and take on the responsibility of MINISTER what was I doin havin sex, and reckless at that, and gettin pregnant??? I'm surrounded by so many females gettin pregnant with no job and the baby daddy just as dumb if not worst and not even 21 yet sittin in church actin all deep...what's goin on??? I'm no saint and this is why I would not take on the title of minister but blatant disrespect for everything you supposedly preach is upsetting to me...
Alot of my friends from home that I grew up with are gettin married or having babies and I'm like "Yesturday we thought cutting school and chillin at Kings Plaza was the hottest thing to do"...it just hit me that we ain't teenagers anymore. Of course my mother, the true West Indian she is, is like don't get no ideas in your head but I can't help but wonder am I behind in something or lackin something??? and then it hit me...I DON'T HAVE A DEGREE OR 401K BUILDUP YET!!! and I can't just get outta order...lol ight I'm done
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posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, April 27, 2006  |
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| Monday, April 24, 2006 |
| xxx.... |
I HATE THIS FEELING!!!
I'm confused, not in total control, surrounded by people but alone, wanting more, needing to know what the next step is, what my purpose is, what they mean in my life, who's only here for a season...
I wish God would just lay out right in front of me, my ultimate ending so I know what to look for...I'm not used to these kinda emotions and it's driving me CRAZY!!! I wish I could even express all that's going through my mind, who would I even tell if I could??? I tried asking my advisor for help but something's tellin me only One can give me my answers... |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, April 24, 2006 |
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| Wednesday, April 19, 2006 |
| Frustrations...! |
I hate the fact that BioChem is not totally preparing me for med school...there are about 3 subjects on the MCATs that I've had to either learn on my own or take as an elective to even have a chance of understanding!!!
Why can't I feel whole and close to God without being in church consistently? I'm slacking on my reading but I'm praying more and yet I still feel like something is missing...
If the hair on my head would grow as fast as the hair on my legs and pits I'd be a happy woman!!! {lol...a lil personal but a frustration non the less}
WHO CRAVES DEVILED EGGS?!?! apparently my weird stomach does...
I should've become a nursing major...I'll get a good job once a graduate with BioChem but more than likely in pharmaceuticals or research. As a nurse I would easily get a job in a hospital, get paid crazy money for little work, and they'd pay for me to go back and get my MD. I wish someone told me all of this 4 years ago :-(
Why don't I have a 4.0???or at least a 3.8? Granted my course load has always been heavy and hard I should've been more focused so I would have no problem just walking into somebody's med school.
About 2 years ago I decided that I needed to tone my language down and I haven't cussed since I made that vow {I'm proud of that level of discipline} but lately....I really just wanna CUSS! just let some words out and let some people know exactly what I think of them, but then dad always says, 'A man that curses shows that he's not capable of a vocabulary to properly express himself' so it's either cuss and let it out or be incompetent of intelligence...
Ight enough ranting...back to work
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, April 19, 2006 |
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| Monday, April 17, 2006 |
| Mental Rest Brings Heart Peace... |
 Typical NYC action  This is my favorite one!  The sun rays on the word GRACE stood out to me...  A candle in Jailyah's room gave the warmest glow with the lights out.
I was looking at some shots I've taken in the past 2 years and I remembered how calm I was taking photos of random scenery that said something to me or of people in scenic/expressive shots. I think I might go back to photography, a good friend of mine showed me her portfolio and I was sooo impressed, but the camera I want will hurt my pockets something serious. Maybe I'll settle for a smaller one, but I know me I won't be satisfed...lol
We'll see how it all goes...
The effort of art is to keep what is interesting in existence, to recreate it in the eternal.
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully}
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| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, April 17, 2006 |
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| Wednesday, April 12, 2006 |
| Week 2 |
My last few weeks of Co-Op and even last week I was excited about this term and made a vow that I will get straight As this term, the hardest classes I have is Physics for Life Science and I've had this in high school so it shouldn't be a problem and Econ but this week, I'm holding on to the vow but everything seems outta place...
My uncle had a stroke last week and there was so much surrounding that that made it crazy, I left work and ran home to NY, just to hear that my former pastor who was like a grandfather to me, passed away that same day...it seems like I'm always pulling out that little black suit :-(
So I went to his funeral on Sunday and had to catch a 6am train back to Philly and make it to class by 10am and I think that's where everything went down. I was late to class which I hate because everyone stops to look at you and then the prof. makes it a point to MAKE u walk to the front of the class to get the hand-outs you missed since you wanted to be late! Then I was exhausted with 3 more classes that day and still work til 11:30pm at the hospital and finish homework for the next day...
Trying to play catch up, I had to study and finish some homework and OVERSLEPT!!! I missed 1 1/2 classes today which then makes me pissed with myself! I'm just glad I don't work today so I can rest and get work done and reorganize {I swear I need someone to help with that, I'm too much of a workhorse to organize...it's sad} Well I'm off to the library to do some refocusing on this 4.0 and get over my recklessness for the day...
Dr. CH, MD {I hope :-(} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, April 12, 2006 |
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| Thursday, April 06, 2006 |
| I Want to Be There... |
...when you feel like your entire life is a failure and show you how many you've blessed and have been a blessing to. To show you that there is no-one more revered in my life than you.
...when you feel like you have to be tough and mean just to protect that shell from cracking. To make you believe that you are beautiful beyond words and I would give my right arm for you.
...everytime you reconsider your existance. You are GREATNESS personified, this is why you have so many obstacles to over come so that He may be glorified through you.
...each time you throw yourself in another relationship just so that you can feel that false sense of 'love' and 'security' that you missed growing up and tell you that you are perfect just as you are BY YOURSELF.
...through each accomplishment you make to cover the insecurities inside...by your side-supporting you, cheering you on, proving it to you.
...when he tells you no one else will love you, so I can punch the snot outta him, and then wipe your tears and tell you there's so much more than 132nd and FDR!
...when you cry yourself to sleep because the enemy made your mide beat up on you, when you worry and stress and just need a clear understandin. I wish there was something I could say that could ease it all just a lil, walk with you so you don't feel alone, if only it was logical.
When I see my friends going through it hurts that I can't be there to take care of it all and make them see themselves for what they are and not some contorted definition of what some fool/situation told them their definition was/is. I try not to become emotionally attached to things/situations but when you're attached to the person, how are you supposed to ignore their pain and struggle??? |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, April 06, 2006 |
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| Mind In Rhyme |
Searching
...God bless my mind
Make me understand
Tell me
Make it make sense
Write it down once again
Correct and simple grammar please
Explain to me how it is
How it is...
I Will Write
I will write
Inna way that will make you love me
Well some of you
I am thinking
Think too
You must not always agree
You must not believe me higher
I am a poet
...and poets must think and re-think
Agape
10
11
12
1, 2, 3 o' clock
no show no call
November
December
January
February
March
Mid-April the phone rings...
I still love him
The Truth About It
Sometimes I want to be there, get inside their head
See what makes them tick and the true meaning behind everything said.
I want to understand the mental that brings about her truth
Sit and talk with her and explain how well 'I know you'.
Mid-day lunches, Sunday's brunches
Late night talks, total heart to hearts
Sometimes I see 'one-of-the-girls' & want to get a better understanding
Of what makes she
the bonds to he
and why this thing won't let me be... |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, April 06, 2006 |
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| Wednesday, April 05, 2006 |
| Count It All Joy |
I haven't been to church in almost a month and feel drained and totally empty. I keep tryin to tell myself that I should not need church to build my spirit but I've found that I kinda do...With some of the madness that I have to deal with on a regular basis at work, with school, family, and even in my own mind I need something more than what I know {if that makes any sense}. Now I've found that I'm not really praying like a should, I haven't been in the Word that often because I'm now back in class and trying to get straight A's this term {please pray for me} and 20 credits are NO JOKE!
Every Tuesday, Enon Bapist Church has a Bible Study down the street from me at noon and I got out of class and made it down there on time, while I love Rev. Waller and his sermons are normally home hitting, I wasn't that into his sermon about the order of the church. I needed something else...then he closes out and says those that are not striving to go higher in the Lord are like mice running on the wheel and the only way to get it back in order, is to get on your knees. He asked if anyone felt like they were drifting to join him at the alter and I couldn't get up there any faster because for an hour, this was the first word for me! I prayed and I cried and made a vow that no matter what I get into, there will always be a space for Jesus and getting into the Word.
I came home to do a little Bible Study on my own and I found peace in almost everything I read:
Proverbs 14: A wise woman build her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands. Those who follow the right path fear the Lord; those who take the wrong path despise him. The talk of fools is a rod for their backs, but the words of the wise keep them out of trouble.
This helped me with my issues at work...
Isaiah 43: But now, O Isreal, the Lord who created you says: "Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine. When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Isreal, you Savior. I gave Egypt, Ethipoia, and Seba as a ransom for your freedom. Others died that you might live, I traded their lives for yours because you are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you.
Even after I've done somethings that I KNEW I shouldn't have, how blessed am I that God STILL loves me and would do anything to protect and keep me?!
The one that brought the most tears:
James 1~Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, count it all joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you wil be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom-if you want to know what God wants you to do-ask Him, and He will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask, be sure that you really expect an answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do.
Any trouble, any danger, any pain and insecurity I face, I count it all joy because I am determined to walk this walk and do what I must to get my house in order. Please pray my strength, as I will yours.
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, April 05, 2006 |
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| Monday, April 03, 2006 |
| A Place Where Only He and God Dwell... |
Over the past few months a few people asked me why I was still single and I couldn't really get mad because they weren't the ignorant, wanna-get-in-my-pants fools that normally front me they were genuienly sincere. I gave some the brush off answer: 'I don't want one' and some I was actually honest with-'Right now is not a good time for me to be wrapped up in a relationship'.
After watching Madea's Family Reunion and talking with my girl Jai I have a better understanding of where I want my mind right now. At first it was a matter of not being able to emotionally let go of a past 'relationship', then it became I need to see what would be the right moves to make that would not alter my beliefs and upset my God, then all of a sudden it just became second nature to just ignore any kind of advances. I'm that if they didn't already know me guys wouldn't come at me because I seem 'mean', I personally think they need to man up or maybe their intuition was right and it was best they didn't approach me...anyway. The messages in the movie were really strong and hit home on several different levels. But of course the wedding scene really got to me, when Boris's character read his vows I damn near cried and I definitely don't do that but it helped me get it all together...
I don't want just another relationship that might just last a few months or a year, that's like practicing divorce. I'm just going to wait my turn until a FRIEND comes, who I can trust, introduce to my dad{eventually...lol}, and develop the deepest soul tie with. Of course this kinda thing won't happen over night or right away and I guess that's best because med school and residency is NO game, so whenever God's ready, I'm ready; so I guess in the end He's the reason I'm single and who am I to rush Him? I've tried that already and it didn't work, anyway...off to class for my final stretch of classes before June '07.
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, April 03, 2006 |
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| About Me |
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Name: DSweet1
Home: Philly by way of BROOKLYN, NYC/PA, United States
About Me: A newlywed/new mom starting a brand new chapter in life and determined to make life the most it can be from here on out!
See my complete profile
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