| Thursday, August 25, 2005 |
| Labor Pains... |
At some point in most women's lives, they will become pregnant. The weird part about it is that you will form this bond with an individual you don't even know, haven't even met but just knowing the potential of this life that you're carrying, gradually learning their moods based on how they kick and turn on the inside, gives you the motivation to eat well, take vitamins, and prepare a place for this life you're getting ready to bring into the world...Some women have an easy pregnancy, while others experience horrible pains, terrible morning sickness, and relentless swelling, but no matter how different the trimesters, at the end of the term, if the woman has done everything she should then a beautiful, healthy baby is born!!! But let's take a step back a minute...
It's the 9th month and the mother is waddling around finally some-what used to the weight in her belly and strain on her back. She goes about her daily activities, some what limited but carrying on as necessary when suddenly...her water breaks! There's no immediate pain, just a flush she didn't expect but she knows that this is a sign that this process MUST begin...and then the pains start, they get 5 minutes apart and it's time for to go to the hospital. Once she's at the hospital and is seen by the doctor they tell her she's got to walk around for a while, just to get the baby to drop. During this time, the pains start to come more frequently and suddenly there's a kick too strong to keep her on her feet and she must now lay on the bed and brace herself for the process of Labor. For hours she lays there in the worst pain humanly possible with the only motivation that after a while, when it's all said and done, their baby will take it's first breath because of this moment of pain.
So hours go by and she cries, sweats, moans, groans, and finally THE PUSH!! The process and pain of the labor is all a set up for the push but the pain doesn't end there because the push causes a stretching and tearing in already vulnerable places...but then finally after that last push-THE CRY! The cryin of the baby is the sign that the struggle is over and now a new life, this little life you've nurtured on the inside of you, that you've nourished, that you've loved on, and prepared for has now come out into the open and with this new life comes new responsibility...a responsibility that stays with you until the Lord calls you home, and the funny thing is, even when you go home to glory it is your responsibility to leave something behind, instilled in this life for the message and the glory to go on...
For whoever this is for, while it is yet inside of you, nourish it-even if no one can tell you're showing. When your water breaks, prepare the over night bag. Pace the halls, wait your turn and when the pains come keep the hope of that lil life in your focus and prepare to PUSH. Push and nurture, allow it to grow and even when you leave, your legacy won't and in THAT is where your blessing lies...
CH |
posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 25, 2005  |
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| Wednesday, August 24, 2005 |
| My Student's Prayer |
Lord, I have studied-but I need Your Spirit Father, I have prepared-but I need Your Power I'm willing and I want to but only You can make me able. Silently now, I wait for Thee Ready my God, Thy will to see. Open my eyes, illumine me, Spirit Divine. *Amen* |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, August 24, 2005 |
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| If It's Not One Thing... |
I haven't been in the mood to do anything...I really need a vacation-some where sunny with no mosquitoes! Why doesn't Philly have any beaches??? Seriously, finals week is not my favorite time of year and this year has to be the worst ever. The way I play this term out determines whether or not I'll be able to start working on my Masters as planned for next year which would then dictate whether or not I lose a scholarship and right now, things don't look that great. And I know it's bad but I hate to see people happy now, playing soccer, sleeping all day, worrying about what they're gonna be doing during the break when I'm worrying about what I'm going to do in 2 years and I have NO JOB!!!
Since 5:15 this morning, the recurring thought has been "What da...???" My alarm didn't go off but I was wide awake-so I got to work early but I was so sleepy. Then I started getting these sharp spasms in my back at work so I went to my locker for some drugs and accidentally took a percocet and for some reason didn't realize I had done this until I SWALLOWED it!!! OMG, so that made me a lil more woozie...
Then my mind started going to work on me...the mind is the #1 place for Satan to attack any believer and of course this is definitely where he hits me the hardest. Why did it bother me? Why did I say anything? What da hell was I thinking? What da hell do I expect? What do they expect? Why didn't I choose the PA program since freshman year? What Med School am I gonna apply to? How am I gonna afford it, if God blesses me to get in?? What would my mother say if she really knew that her rock wasn't really that hard? What would my father think if he REALLY knew the way I think? How would my brothers see their tough lil sis if they knew every thought? Salvation is the ONLY thing in my life that I'm sure of right now, and sometimes I think God is tired of me making these STUPID mistakes and spending so much time dwelling on "feelings" instead of using that time to do some WORK!
I had a final today that I just knew I was gonna fail-but the Lord is faithful and I got a B, but then I hear I need to get a high B {with some persuasion} or an A on my Immuno final next week just to get a B in the class {I really need this grade to be good}..my psych professor gave me an extension on the test I needed to make up since the accident but then he's added more to it and expects me to take the final right after!!! I don't feel that great, but thank God I'm walking. I don't know what's gonna come of some of the recent moves I've made, but God's all knowing and I've always said since His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts higher than my thoughts and since before I was in my mother's womb He knew me and set me apart then I'm gonna have to get over this...It's crazy that I know this and just don't act on it, it's just hard because if it's not one thing it's another...
CH |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, August 24, 2005 |
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| Tuesday, August 23, 2005 |
| Open Minds |
Well, I finally did it...Remember the person I've stressed about talking to but just wasn't sure what to say?? and I said I made the first move?? Well we finally met up today and got everything out in the open and it went better than I had hoped for...Neither of us really knew what to say but as we sat there, things began coming out in the open and the air definately feels a whole lot clearer.
Some things came out that I wasn't all together happy about but alot also came out that I really am. I knew we had some things in common but in talking to them I've realized that we have SO much in common, so far. Even some of my views concerning their friends were cleared up and some of their friends have alot in common with some of mine...
Of course being the over analyzing nut I am, I'm already a lil nervous about what will come out of this, I don't wanna block anything if a true friendship is to come about neither do I wanna keep no eyes open for what won't happen...i dunno I'll just let it ride out the way it's gonna.
Just glad we got all this out there, hope our wish comes true and to Drexel ;-)...stay tuned
CH |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Tuesday, August 23, 2005 |
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| Monday, August 22, 2005 |
| Make It Alright |
I'm in cleanin mode right now, and it's really hard work...I'm tryin to get rid of the things that upset me, hurt me, bother me, and weigh heavy on me. I'm tryin to fix some of the pieces that I some how chipped, broke, hurt, or tarnished. And I'm tryin to put everything back in it's order and original and proper place...Yea I'm talkin bout cleanin up my life {I don't know what it is I'm writing alot lately}
One of the worst things you can do to someone is get involved with them when you can't totally allow them to be involved with you. I've written about a relationship I was in with a nice guy that loved me, well I allowed him to totally love me while giving him 1/3 of my attention-the same thing I was bitchin about getting from someone else!!! I can't believe myself sometimes... Anyway I thought about my mindset, how I feel, and the way things were going between us lately and I decided the best thing for both of us was for me to just walk away. I know it hurt him and I know I did the right thing because I didn't feel a thing and that was a clear sign that my heart just wasn't in it and that just wasn't fair to him or his family...
Some of my friends thought I was doing this in order to make space for another relationship I've written about as well but actually I can honestly say it wasn't. In regards to that relationship, I've decided to fall back again, hopefully I can stay back. The last time we spoke I decided that a portion of my soul may always belong to this man, I know a large part of my heart will, but right now at this time, at this point in our lives, nothing good could come out of us doing anything togetehr. I know I've made the right move because while it hurts, I also feel lighter to make other moves-relationship-wise, spiritually, and mentally...
I've verbalized my apologies to some of the people I vowed to and soon others will hear 'I'm sorry' as well and this actually feels a lot better, my conscience is getting a lot clearer as the day goes by. Some other friendships that I've neglected have begun their mending processes and things look positive on those parts...
I look foward to heading home in 2 weeks for Labor Day weekend! I've always loved this holiday because my best friend's birthday is on the 3rd and in Brooklyn we have the full out celebration of Carnival. We party in the streets two days in a row, reggae, calypso, soca, and I guess reggaeton will be there ALL WEEKEND!!! Beautiful way to end the summer and this whole cleaning process. Just tryin to make everything alright...
CH |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, August 22, 2005 |
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| Sunday, August 21, 2005 |
| Purpose??? |
You ever wonder what you're doing here??? When you're 70 and you go over your life, will all the questions be answered or will some things still make no sense? Ever wonder what the focus of your eulogy will be? Every wonder, What will they say about you as they close your casket? I DO!
It might sound a lil funny but right now I'm mad with God. I love Him with all my heart, this fact was never a secret, but His moves in my life make NO SENSE!!! Now I've seen Him move and do some things in my life that I've defined years after it's happened, but lately these moves, REALLY make no sense...
He sends me to Drexel to get a degree in BioChem and my main concern should be getting As and Bs in my classes and I really haven't done that...I'll try to be focused and study and in the midst of studying something will come to mind andI'll go straight to the Bible and He'll speak to me when I go and these lil sermonettes come out on 3-4 pages, but FOR WHAT??? I'm not a preacher, I'm not delivering any of these messages anywhere to anyone, some don't really apply to me-so why am I locked into this that is not my future and not BioChem which will get me there??? These messages are not really saving lives or helping anybody, some I don't tell anybody because they might not get it, so WHY IS HE TELLING ME THIS??
He introduces me to some people whom at first glance seem strong and steadfast, people that I can really connect with and even lean on...I'll get close to these people and in the midst of the friendships some craziness is revealed to me and then I find myself stuck trying to figure out their problems because I can't be normal and know the difference between my friend's problems and my own. Now I've always wished for people who were just honest and open with me because while I'm not really a' cry your eyes' out type of person, someone that can be honest about the way they think and feel will do so much better than someone who acts and think they way they THINK they should act/think around me...Do I really need these aggrevations???
I didn't do that well on my last set of midterms and my GPA is at risk and for that, Lord I'm upset...I've prayed for focus and steadfastness and yet I put in the work to study and my mind travels left field. Don't get me wrong, I've always loved the Word of God but why am I so into it and it's not reallya part of my purpose??? There's a word...Father, What is My Purpose??? I thought I knew...
CH |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Sunday, August 21, 2005 |
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| Thursday, August 18, 2005 |
| Fact v. Truth |
As my thoughts swarmed me, I had a lil minute of self-doubt and nearly threw myself a lil pity party. I don't believe depression is a state we should stay in for too long, it's something that's gonna happen but, especially females, let it come but also do EVERYTHING in your power to let it go! So I turned to the Bible and something hit me:
FACT: information presented as objectively real
TRUTH: the faithful integrity of an orginal proof
Every believer knows that TRUTH always overrides FACT because while FACT is the carnal appearance of sincerity, TRUTH is the embodiment of actuality. I'll give an example: FACT is I'm broke and owe Drexel alot of money-TRUTH is I've never gone hungry and I'm blessed. FACT is I look like I'm so far from my goal, TRUTH is I'm merely in the whirlwind of my process {it appears one way but He's on the outside, moving in and that works for me}. When times seem hard, ways look dark and we don't think we're gonna ever make it, remember the promises He's made to you like:
"I will never leave you nor forsake you", "No weapons formed against you shall prosper", "I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me", "He that has begun a good work in me shall perform it to the day of Jesus Christ", "Whatsoever you desire, pray and faithfully believe that you already have it and it shall be yours"
Stand on all these TRUTHS and any dim FACTS that stand in front of you will seem so small you won't even worry about them anymore. Stand firm. Be encouraged...
Dr. C.H., MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 18, 2005 |
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| Fill Ins |
Well I stressed and I studied and I stressed a lil more and now that Immuno test is over and I probably walked away with a B {not the greatest but I'll take it, I still got other ways to bring that up}. So now I'm working on these case studies for Anatomy, but then my thought process kicked in again...
In some of these entries I've mentioned someone that I've wanted to talk to and clear some of the air between us but I just couldn't figure out how. I thought if I just stopped dwelling on it then it would just go away-that was a waste of thought...lol...I'm just the type of person that wants to clear any type of drama up {especially when it don't really make sense}. So I talked it over a few times with Janet and Tasha they both said I should just swallow my pride and make the first move but I didn't wanna look like what my grandmother calls an imps {translation: FOOL}...LOL...but anyway yesturday as my thoughts kept roaming I decided to step out and put my neck on the line and PRAISE GOD I didn't look like a total fool and hopefully we on some type of path to make everything proper, who knows {I hope}.
I'm in a much better mood and my back feels a lil better but I'm gonna have to go to rehab, I missed my appointment today because I forgot {I really gotta get better with timelines}
Dr. C.H.,MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 18, 2005 |
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| Wednesday, August 17, 2005 |
| Week 9 |
Well I'm in the library trying to be focused and all this work just seems ten times larger than me. I can understand what I'm doin if I truly zone into it but I just can't seem to stay grounded long enough to get it all in...Other thoughts come into play about my future or lack thereof should I not do well this term, my health which is getting complicated now that I have to take meds for my back injury that conflicts with my liver, friendships that have let me down, dramas that's happening back in Brooklyn, relationships that may be ending/starting/standing still, my walk with God, and anything else that pops up...
Immunology is my biggest giant and because of all the formulas and codes I just keep telling myself that immunologists had NO LIFE whatsoeva when they came up with this stuff and so I let my thoughts over take me...my thought process has always been a source of encouragement to myself and others but right now it is the #1 thing that is hurting me and I really can't make it go away...
But anyway by 9-10pm I should have pulled my thoughts together and just stay up all night, I don't even know why I'm complaining, this is how its been since I got to Drexel...lol...sad but true so if you need me I'll be here until they turn the lights out on me.
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Wednesday, August 17, 2005 |
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| Monday, August 15, 2005 |
| I'm Back... |
Yo I don't know what da hell yesturday's post was about, I don't know where my mind was headed with that post but I can gladly say that I'm fully back to normal mentally...so neva mind yesturday if you read it...LOL
Anyway, I am in the worst pain. I've found that the rip of the muscle in my lower back that I got after the accident has now officially become a 'tear' in my doctor's eye. He believes that by me walking the distances that I've been walkin I've increased the tear, but how can I not walk far distances if I'm in class and gotta go to work??? I can't become an invalid just cuz my back wanna act up!!! My next dilema is because I got liver damage I can't take Tylenol and this Motrin 600 is NOT helpin during the day and I can't take percocete because it'll put me to sleep so I gotta do like my dad and Mr. Man says and "Man Up!" lol
Because I was in the hospital I missed a few days of class and I missed an exam in my psych class {one of the last classes I need for my minor} and this prof looks like he wanna give me a hard time about makin it up...but I ain't wit that, we WILL work something out...
Ight enough ventin, I gotta get back to work-God Bless! lol lol {you get me}
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, August 15, 2005 |
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| Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
| Blessed and Cursed |
3rd Mega Fest was definately on point and so many bounds were broken and I believe I connected to God like I've never done before. Our relationship is getting so much stronger and I love the feeling but I love the fact more {if that makes sense to any of you} I've seen some of my prayers answered and I've gotten reasoning for why I haven't seen others done yet or at all, and I'm ok with it {I'm tryin}. We landed back in Philly on Saturday night and I really missed our hotel {Our hotel was BANGIN} We met a few celebrities: Blair Underwood, Jason Weaver, and Yawanna from America's Next Top Model, and the suites we beautiful and comfortable.
Sunday morning I was up and ready for church back at BWC, MegaFest was wonderful but I missed my Bishop's voice and delivery. So me and Tasha went with her family and of course Bishop ripped it up {I wish I could just feel what it's like to be her when she enters what I call "her moment"} Anyway after church we decided to all go out to Friday's on City Line Ave and who do we see in the parking lot??? Allen Iverson. It was cool, he was a lil quiet but he did say "Wassup" and held the door for us.
The waiter took too long with the food, so we complained and they gave it to us to go for FREE!!! I wasn't goin complain 'bout it..lol..So this weekend is lookin really great, until...
Tasha's mom had to get back on the road to head back to Boston and Tasha was comin ova to my house. We got the corner of my block and as she turns into the street, this woman in a minivan slams right into my side!!! I screamed Jesus Christ and got out the car. I felt fine but I banged my head really hard to the door so that was killing me. I ran to the other side of the car and Tasha caught a panic attack {I need more patience with that} I took her seatbelt off and just told her to breath and ran around to check on the woman in the van and she was ok too.
I called the ambulance and they came pretty quick and took Tasha and the woman to the hospital, they told me I could ride with the cop since I seemed to be ok {I was a lil pissed about it but then I thought about it, an ambulance ride is $400 alone-Thank You Jesus}
I had to wait in the waiting room for about 3 hours with a splittin headache {I wouldn't wish that on anyone} the light was killin me but the emergency room was packed so I had to wait. I couldn't get my mother so my ex called her and of course she was hysterical not really helpin, when I talked to my dad he was sleep and couldn't really grasp what was goin on, a few minutes after I hung up on him he called back a lil flipped. My girls from Temple who are also Deltas came through and threatened to blow the hospital up if I didn't get seen by someone {Brooklyn chicks are so hood...lol...LMAO} it helped a lil...
What we couldn't understand was, Tasha was inside sayin she was in SOOO much pain and there was NOTHIN wrong with her!!! That was pissin me off, because you didn't get the hit and the person who got hit is sittin in the waitin room dyin but not bitchin as much as you are who didn't even get tapped!!! But whateva, I finally got in the back and they gave me percocet and sent me home. A 5-6 hour wait for a 20 minute consultation. In the midst of all this two of the women who came there to support us were gettin ready to fight in the lobby...it was all too crazy.
My father came to take me home to NY to see my doctor who concluded that I ripped a muscle in my back and would have muscle spasms for at least 2 months :-(. But then Daddy had a dream and when he prayed about it he finally told me and explain to me what it meant: Because you're a child of God, you will always be blessed, but because you are a fighter for God and you boldly make fun of Satan you will always be attacked. "You will always have to take the blows of those who you cover, until they too become a problem for him...but you're built for it so neva back down" Those words really scared me but also touched me...My father always seems to have this high level vision for me that I can't really see but he makes me tough because he sees where I need to be so until I fully understand where I'll end up, I'll let him train me...I love you Daddy.
Dr. C.H.,MD {prayerfully}
P.S. Pray for me, I'll be bringing the word at a church over in Camden on Saturday morning. |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
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| Blessed Chaos |
2nd Well after all that it was time to leave for ATLANTA!! I've been excited about this trip for the past 3 months but please mark my words : NEVA WILL I EVA TRAVEL TO MEGA FEST WITH MY CHURCH EVA AGAIN!!! Now get it straight, I love my church, I adore my Bishop, and wherever there's a good church service I'm there, but I will neva do it to myself again. Now we were supposed to be chaperons to the younger youths that came with us but some of the "grown" people decided they didn't wanna be bothered and rathered to hang with their friends all day while leaving their kids in MY lap...So not only did I have to watch my kids and get them to their services I had to get these other girls to their services which were never in the same area and still get to my services! Then we had some people who couldn't get in their miniscule minds that they were NOT in charge and that they were hurting more than helping the situations {Father help them}-AND it was always 90 degrees down there...but I knew I had the services to look forward to...
TD Jakes can definately preach his behind OFF!!! {and watch out for Serita, she up and comin with it too},I got the honor of hearing Prophetess Juanita Bynum who is an amazing woman of faith that I definately admire, Donnie McClurkin's testimony is BANANAS {"There is a Joseph"}, CeCe Winans-that girl can SAAANG! and Yolanda Adams, Micah did a great duet with Donnie, I finally heard Judy Jacobs who kinda looks like my aunt lol lol, Rev. Noel Jones is definatley a man I would want to grow up to emulate-he's highly intelligent AND preaches like none other but the BEST one for me, I was excited to see 2 months before this event PASTOR JAMAL BRYANT!!! That lil man got a big God behind him and he does his thing like none other, the spirit fell so heavily once he got in his element and gave his testimony which is also crazy, that was a true example of BLESSED!! Even with the lil dramas here and there I loved it and would definately go again, just not with the church. Blessed Chaos
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| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
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| What and Why?!?!?!? |
WOW its been crazy for the past week and a half! But lemme start from the top cuz it all elevates to higher levels of CRAZY!
1st I am in a relationship with a good man that absolutely loves me, rarely can you find something like this, and yet...I still find myself dippin back to a past relationship. Although we both try to put it out there that there is nothing between us, we both still run back to eachother whenever things get crazy. We had a nice long talk not too long ago where I think, although we do confide so things in eachother, we were the most open and honest with eachother and I decided to focus on my relationship because it just wasn't fair to him. I made up in my mind that I would totally let it go and let him do him and me do me, then...I heard that the chick he talkin to surprised him at home, I FLIPPED!!! You don't just show up in the city like that, NO! So I called him and of course I got "It ain't nuthin, you know that" from him but I wasn't even close to tryin to hear that so I BLACKED and hung up the phone on him. Over here in Philly I was definately on some "I'm through with this! F**K him!" for about 3 days and then...He shows up at my building to deal with it and now I'm back at square one again, not knowin which way to move. It ain't fair to ol' boy, and it ain't fair to her either. Why did I flip out like that? Why did "it not mean anything" to him? Why do I care if she goes to the city? Why did he care that I flipped out like that? Why was I so tight about it? Why was it so deep he drove out here to settle it before I left? Why do I look to him? Why does my mother adore him and he love my mother?
What and Why have been to recurring theme... |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, August 11, 2005 |
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| About Me |
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Name: DSweet1
Home: Philly by way of BROOKLYN, NYC/PA, United States
About Me: A newlywed/new mom starting a brand new chapter in life and determined to make life the most it can be from here on out!
See my complete profile
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