| Sunday, February 26, 2006 |
| Faithful Preacher...Confused Worrier |
My mind is my zone; only I and the people I choose to reveal my thoughts to know what's going on in my head. It is my own lil sanctuary, sometimes it gets a lil crazy but it's mine but I have a problem-ever since I've been going to my church my Bishop seems to be able to read my mind and then chooses to blast my business from the pulpit!!!And today was no exception...
All week I've been studying the book of James and for some reason I can't escape it or the topic of faith. For all the mess that's goin on around me, I know that this is my season of faith testing so I've just been tryin to get a hold of my own faith thing. She preached on spiritual imprisonment and said exactly what I've been thinkin all week...Her exact words, "Preaching faith, but secretly you're worried and scared." We used to have this joke that maybe she tapped our rooms and preached on that, but I've NEVA told ANYONE this though but she said it verbatim.What do u do when u want those around u strong in the faith, yet you're struggling with the same thing?My mentor was watching me as the sermon was going on and knew right away that something was wrong, people have been asking me about how to fully lean on God, trust Him with EVERYTHING, believe that the promises He made back in biblical days still apply to this generation and I've been answering them, praying with these people for their strength, faith, and walk but inside I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I'm fighting with it.
I believe and I trust but I worry. I know He is God all by Himself and there is nothing too big for Him to handle but yet I'm anxious, and in some cases not fully confidant that I'll do well...everybody has something they gotta work through but I hate being confused about a thing, I don't like the 'semi-depressed' feelin poiette was talkin about when things 'seem' like its not gonna work and I don't exactly know what I feel, but what I hate more is the anger I get when I see other people struggle with it too because I really wouldn't want to put that on anyone. Lord, help me to grow more faithfulness. |
posted by DSweet1 @ Sunday, February 26, 2006  |
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| Friday, February 24, 2006 |
| That Human Touch... |
For as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a doctor. As corny as it may sound I really and honestly only wanted to help people. Whenever I see someone in pain, it's as if I take on their pain and want to do everything in my power to help them right away. I hate to hear anyone say that they've been in pain for years and the doctors can't tell them what their problem is-this irritates me to no end. As I got older, surgery became VERY interesting and as time passed Oncology has become my passion and now my dream is to find ways to get rid of cancer before it advances...
Well Tasha works on the Oncology floor in our hospital where the nurses and techs become really close to the patients. In the lab, we don't have as much patient interaction but we have enough. Anyway, one of her patients was diagnosed with leukemia about 2 months ago and last week his platelet count dropped and his CBC levels were so far gone it was amazing he was still standing. He came down with a flesh eating bacteria and bled profusely for days, we kept supplying him with blood and platelets and finally the bleeding stopped. When I got to work today, Tasha comes to the lab with tears in her eyes, which automatically scared the crap outta me, and tells me that the man died...When I went to the floor the nurses and techs were all very emotional and his family was notified, his doctor was finishing up rounds, and almost everyone had tears in their eyes, except...me and my girl from the lab who is also studying Biochemistry but she goes to Temple. We just wanted to get the last platelet counts, straighten his body out, and make sure Tasha was ok. We didn't have tears, even though we knew him and at the time we were kinda annoyed at how emotional everyone was being, 'I understand it's a sad situation, but he passed at noon, it is now 3:30pm, what da hell have you done for this man but cry??'. But I thought about it, is it normal to not feel anything deeply in these situations? or is it a great protective mechanism that doctors should develop? Instead of being sad that this 28 year old just died leaving his 2 year old and 8 months pregnant wife on their own, I was pissed that this monster of a disease got another one! I must've reviewed that man's chart 10 times before I felt really sad but all I could do was pray that the Lord would receive him in and be with his family.
I never wanna become one of those heartless doctors but I can't stand cancer, I also don't wanna hate the disease so much that it becomes a battle between me and it and not a treatment between a patient and his/her doctor-I'd never wanna lose that human touch...
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Friday, February 24, 2006 |
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| Thursday, February 23, 2006 |
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BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY, seek opportunities
to genuinely connect with others, and need to
be appreciated. They do everything with
quality and are devoted and loyal friends and
employers/employees. Whatever or whomever
they commit to are their sole (and soul)
focus. They love to serve and will give
freely of themselves in order to nurture
others lives.
BLUES, however, do need to be understood. They have
distinct preferences and occasionally the
somewhat controlling (but always fair)
personality of a confident leader. Their code
of ethics is remarkably strong and they
expect others to live honest, committed lives
as well. They enjoy sharing meaningful
moments in conversation as well as
remembering special life events (i.e.,
birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are
dependable, thoughtful, nurturing, and can
also be self-righteous, a bit worry-prone,
and emotionally intense. They are like
sainted pit-bulls who never let go of
something once they are committed. When you
deal with a BLUE, be sincere, make an effort
to truly understand them, and truly
appreciate them.
What Color Are You?
brought to you by
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| posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, February 23, 2006 |
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| Tuesday, February 14, 2006 |
| Just A Thought... |
So, in an earlier post I talked about a "thing under your skin" that's been able to control even your very thought process...I got another question in reference to that 'thing'.
Hypothetically of course, what if you've left this thing to the other consumers that fancied it prior, you made up in your mind that you needed to focus on the other things in your basket and make moves. While you're going along, takin care of your basket, there is another 'thing' that catches your attention. See at first, it doesn't seem like much, in comparison to the former things you dreamed of it doesn't seem that major, and on the surface it doesn't seem like it would properly blend in with the rest of the basket...don't worry, you gonna get it in a minute...You decide to give this thing a try anyway and as you continue on your way you realize that the weight of the basket begins to lighten up and you're able to now go after other things because now you are able to handle more load. Happy and confident that you can conquer anything and that you can have whatever it is you set your eye on you begin to take bigger strides because for some reason, that insignificant 'thing' seems to be helpin to lighten the load. Along the way you cut a corner and see someone pickin up that 1st thing you set back on the shelf.This new consumer doesn't seem like yall have anything in common, matter of fact he doesn't even look like someone that is even worthy of having your 'thing', especially since you couldn't manage it before, but from where you are it seems to all fit together in their basket and now we find ourselves PISSED and BRUISED all over again, well...
Why then, if we have a new 'thing' that has helped along the way, do we long for that one 'thing' that seemed to make your load unbearable? You begin to subtly DENY this burden-bearer, treat it any ol' kinda way, even throw other useless things on top of it all because the former thing used to be the prettiest bow on your basket and now it adorns someone else's. Remember the rivers, remember the streams? Why is it that the weight you used to feel has become eradicated, erased by the prospect of 'a second/third chance'. OH, but let that new thing not lay the way you want it to in your basket just once and there's the thought of 'WHY DA HELL DID I EVEN PICK THIS THING UP?!?!?'? You forget that just a lil while ago you felt like you could beat the world, forget that you were actually motivatin and goin somewhere with your head held up...
Does there ever come a time that you will be able to totally move away from the former and not want to pick it up again or will the memories etched on the brain forever hold you captive to the rivers and the weights? What intensity is needed in a 'new thing' to super-impose the image of the former? |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Tuesday, February 14, 2006 |
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| Saturday, February 11, 2006 |
| Bleek but on My Way To Better Days |
I started reading over my blogs from the past two months and honestly I sound like a true mental case lemme apologize to those who read my rantings. Times have really been trying but I know that between Promise and Purpose is this naggin portion called Process, I'm tryin to keep this in mind when all hell raises up. My work schedule is lookin a lil tight still, Drexel is still draining my pocket, situations haven't fully disappeared but my health is getting better {no more black-outs...thank the Lord}, I'm preachin a lil more {I'm always happy to talk about my homie JC}, and I'm learning to appreciate the positives that I have right now.
My 22nd Birthday is coming up in 3 weeks, for some reason I'm very excited about this birthday. I'm hopin that I could get a nite of friends out somewhere nice or spend it quiet with someone special ;-). There are a few people celebrating their birthdays around the same time, maybe we could get it together and form a Pisces connection..lol. Last year was pretty bad, so I won't leave it in anyone's hands this time, any suggestions please lemme know, I'm still not sure if I'll be in Philly or NYC for my day but I'm open...
For Spring Break, Tasha and I are takin a cruise to the Bahamas for 4 days, I'M TOO EXCITED ABOUT THIS TRIP!! We're gonna fly down to Florida first to see my uncle I haven't seen since I was bout 5 and he's planning a mini family reunion all excited...lol it's cute. I vow to totally enjoy myself on this trip, something aren't finalized yet but I'm sure we'll make the best of our break.
Classes will be starting back up at the end of March and while I haven't figured out how I'm gonna work all this out with DU, I'm excited about this last round here at the "wonderful" Drexel University ::sigh:: I'm ready for this storm to pass for brighter mornings, so for now I'm focusing on the positives tryin not to let the negatives suffocate my thought process anymore...
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfull} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Saturday, February 11, 2006 |
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| Tuesday, February 07, 2006 |
| Why Is That??? |
My brother is a distinguished brother of Omega Psi Phi Fraternity, Inc. who now lives in Florida. He was telling me that there was a heavy downpour down in Jacksonville and when it gets like that the officials close the roads down so he drove onto FAMU's campus {his alma mater} and decided to go over the Que House but he first ran into some Deltas. He walks up and tells them his name and says whatever it is that they say to identify themselves and the girls took him over to the Delta house and made him a lil dinner and called some of the bruhs to come over too. While he was telling me this, my mind starts to wander {as usual} and I was wondering...Greek organizations only need to see their colours or their hand signs & letters and they're willing to do whatever to take care of each other, no matter where they pledged, when they crossed, or who their Dean and ADP were but Christians DON'T DO THAT!! Why is it that we serve the same God, worship on the same day, study the same book but talk about each other, look down on one another, won't work too hard to help eachother out?
Over time there's been this "thing" that has found its way under your skin-hurts you in the worst way possible, disappoints you beyond explanation, betrays you beyond belief, even slaps you directly in the face with disrespect and lack of consideration. With all of this, it has managed to give you some of the happiest, safest, and memorable moments in your life; you shared a special occasion, kept it close during some of the most important/trying times you've ever experienced, you even prayed for it. Boldly, you showed and proclaimed that you were faithful, loyal, and totally in love with this "thing"and it made it's vow of 'destiny', but silently it hid it's "devotion" and "loyalty" to you all the while forming allegiances with other owners proclaiming almost the same pledge it made to you, to them. You find out, you are bruised without hope of recovery and now pain floods your eyes and streams its way to the deltas that were formed the 1st and 2nd time this happened. Well, why is it that we hold on to that loyalty, why do we inconvenience ourselves because they've had a hard life, why do we give those streams a chance to flow-do we long for longer rivers or deeper seas?
The chance of a lifetime has fallen in your lap, you have every means you need to see this through. People are counting on you, You are counting on you but yet and still there is something lurking in the background that won't let you win. You know that there are a few things you need to change, found your weaknesses and identified some of the problems, but still you cannot seem to get it totally under control. Why are you distracted and thrown off course? Why is it that your present situation doesn't match with your future's vision? What is it that keeps the embers glowing, that makes you hell bent on making it stick?
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Tuesday, February 07, 2006 |
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| Monday, February 06, 2006 |
| Twisted |
I am moving like a robot, doing my daily duties out of habit and not really caring. Well I'm glad the Steelers won but I wasn't in the right company to really enjoy their victory, maybe I'll throw a SuperBowl party next year {there's something to think about}. The fashion show was a pretty good success, the place was packed but of course there were some lil ignorant fools there, Philly high school girls are the absolute worst-cussin like they're grown, not knowing what the hell they were talkin about, and just talking excessively so I had to come out of character a lil and tell their lil blank behinds to shutup or move and they tried to jump bad but of course Tasha and I were ready for them and so were the five or six other people sitting around us...lol and so they moved ::sigh/giggle:: Shout out to EDiva and everyone in the show-Good Job!
I wish I could be a fly on the wall to know what some people do and think behind close doors, I wish that I could get into their heads so that I could understand why the hell they do the retarded crap they do...I'm tryin to isolate myself from a certain situation and of course right after I make the strong pledge to myself, satan wakes me up at 4am thinking about it, wanting to make calls, and just go back on my pledge but I drowned it out and went back to sleep. I really can't afford all this crap anymore...alright I'm going back to mechanical day
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Monday, February 06, 2006 |
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| Saturday, February 04, 2006 |
| Damn |
Man, I thought I'd be alright for 2006 but it seems like God had other intentions in mind...I've been workin like a slave waitin on her freedom papers and since there are a lot of workers out I've had to play several positions on top of it all. :-(
I used to throw myself into my work when things bothered me: if I had a bad break up-STUDY/WORK; financial aid not looking too promising-STUDY/WORK; friends and family act up-STUDY/WORK...see the pattern? Well I'm at this point where work doesn't drown any of that out anymore, my thoughts are screaming at me so loud that nothing covers them.
My heart is STILL kinda sore; it's been about 3-4 years of non-sense and yet I still seem to not have a handle on this mess. I decided to look up the meaning of 'soul tie' and I finally understand I HAVE A SERIOUS ONE!! It's when two souls become so entangled with eachother that they start to become one soul {or become eachother} in a way that's so hard to break. A friend of mine that I've never shared this part of me with said that she saw it and was praying that my heart wouldn't hurt so bad. I've prayed the same things; either take it away forever and never allow a chance for a third time or let it just all work together or if it must be a pause let the feelings die out so it can at least be bearable. I pray they're not being taken for a fool and being beat in the head, i still care {sadly}. If only God could hear these prayers...
My tuition has been placed solely in my lap and I'm trying my hardest to keep up with these payments {this also explains why I've been working so hard} on my own. Then talking to my parents about the matter further drives me into that 'all alone' sphere. I think because I'm not right there in Brooklyn with them, then there's no need to try to help out a lil. Granted I've always been the independent one, but I'm still growing and learning so how do you just say 'Ah, she's strong, she'll handle it'. They'll probably never know that deep inside I really just wanna scream and when I get done have everything fall into its proper space. I know this will make me stronger but it will also make me poorer, so I betta bust my behind the next 2 years and make sure I have a damn good job waiting on me. I've messed up some and because of this I don't voice how I feel to my parents because I know they gonna throw it back at me so I'm just gonna have to toughen up like dad said and make this thing work...
There are a few friendships that I feel have suffered because there are some things I just didn't say; one ended because someone that was supposed to be as close as a sister treated my name like a stranger. I'm not one for foolishness and if I sense that you have betrayed me in any way, I'm done! But one flaw I have is that I'm kinda soft when it comes to people I love. I don't love often but when I do, I love HARD..but in this case I never approached her or addressed the issue, I just cut her off and it seems like she just won't go away. Now all of a sudden she is my roommate's best friend!!! What da hell?!?!? My roommate knows about the situation {because she was cut off for a lil bit too...lol} but she clings to whomever will cling to her so I ain't mad, I just wished old two face would disappear, but maybe I should say something...nah too much time has past and I'll just be rude or straight smack the hell outta her, I've been told that's why she won't press me about nothing, cuz she know she ain't that tough and she also knows I'll put the Bible down for a minute a beat fire out her behind {you know David killed a few people and he's 'the man after God's own heart'} but that's not who I am anymore...In other cases, there may be things that I didn't say that affect the progressions. There's also a feeling that if I say something it might bruise them even further. There are some questions I still have and I guess some things I should say...i dunno...i feel like a girly fool wrapped up in all these what ifs.
I've been in environments surrounded by alot of people, yet I'm by myself {if that makes any sense} I have some of the most loyal people surrounding me, all that wish me the greatest but none of them can fight these battles, battles that only I hear going on. I know that if they could they'd fight with me but how do you fight your own thought process and the constant obstacles you think about on a regular basis. Prayer does some serious relief salvaging but some things seem too confusing to get it to a point where I can honestly say 'Lord, I put it in your hands' and not take it back. I might've revealed too much, but at least it's out.
Dear Lord, It's me again...
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully} |
| posted by DSweet1 @ Saturday, February 04, 2006 |
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| About Me |
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Name: DSweet1
Home: Philly by way of BROOKLYN, NYC/PA, United States
About Me: A newlywed/new mom starting a brand new chapter in life and determined to make life the most it can be from here on out!
See my complete profile
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