<Sweet Source>

Words in Ripples...

...a destiny of streams, a reality of rivers, a hope for oceans, but a vision of seas...

Saturday, February 04, 2006

Damn

Man, I thought I'd be alright for 2006 but it seems like God had other intentions in mind...I've been workin like a slave waitin on her freedom papers and since there are a lot of workers out I've had to play several positions on top of it all. :-(

I used to throw myself into my work when things bothered me: if I had a bad break up-STUDY/WORK; financial aid not looking too promising-STUDY/WORK; friends and family act up-STUDY/WORK...see the pattern? Well I'm at this point where work doesn't drown any of that out anymore, my thoughts are screaming at me so loud that nothing covers them.
My heart is STILL kinda sore; it's been about 3-4 years of non-sense and yet I still seem to not have a handle on this mess. I decided to look up the meaning of 'soul tie' and I finally understand I HAVE A SERIOUS ONE!! It's when two souls become so entangled with eachother that they start to become one soul {or become eachother} in a way that's so hard to break. A friend of mine that I've never shared this part of me with said that she saw it and was praying that my heart wouldn't hurt so bad. I've prayed the same things; either take it away forever and never allow a chance for a third time or let it just all work together or if it must be a pause let the feelings die out so it can at least be bearable. I pray they're not being taken for a fool and being beat in the head, i still care {sadly}. If only God could hear these prayers...

My tuition has been placed solely in my lap and I'm trying my hardest to keep up with these payments {this also explains why I've been working so hard} on my own. Then talking to my parents about the matter further drives me into that 'all alone' sphere. I think because I'm not right there in Brooklyn with them, then there's no need to try to help out a lil. Granted I've always been the independent one, but I'm still growing and learning so how do you just say 'Ah, she's strong, she'll handle it'. They'll probably never know that deep inside I really just wanna scream and when I get done have everything fall into its proper space. I know this will make me stronger but it will also make me poorer, so I betta bust my behind the next 2 years and make sure I have a damn good job waiting on me. I've messed up some and because of this I don't voice how I feel to my parents because I know they gonna throw it back at me so I'm just gonna have to toughen up like dad said and make this thing work...

There are a few friendships that I feel have suffered because there are some things I just didn't say; one ended because someone that was supposed to be as close as a sister treated my name like a stranger. I'm not one for foolishness and if I sense that you have betrayed me in any way, I'm done! But one flaw I have is that I'm kinda soft when it comes to people I love. I don't love often but when I do, I love HARD..but in this case I never approached her or addressed the issue, I just cut her off and it seems like she just won't go away. Now all of a sudden she is my roommate's best friend!!! What da hell?!?!? My roommate knows about the situation {because she was cut off for a lil bit too...lol} but she clings to whomever will cling to her so I ain't mad, I just wished old two face would disappear, but maybe I should say something...nah too much time has past and I'll just be rude or straight smack the hell outta her, I've been told that's why she won't press me about nothing, cuz she know she ain't that tough and she also knows I'll put the Bible down for a minute a beat fire out her behind {you know David killed a few people and he's 'the man after God's own heart'} but that's not who I am anymore...In other cases, there may be things that I didn't say that affect the progressions. There's also a feeling that if I say something it might bruise them even further. There are some questions I still have and I guess some things I should say...i dunno...i feel like a girly fool wrapped up in all these what ifs.
I've been in environments surrounded by alot of people, yet I'm by myself {if that makes any sense} I have some of the most loyal people surrounding me, all that wish me the greatest but none of them can fight these battles, battles that only I hear going on. I know that if they could they'd fight with me but how do you fight your own thought process and the constant obstacles you think about on a regular basis. Prayer does some serious relief salvaging but some things seem too confusing to get it to a point where I can honestly say 'Lord, I put it in your hands' and not take it back. I might've revealed too much, but at least it's out.

Dear Lord, It's me again...
Dr. CH, MD {prayerfully}

posted by DSweet1 @ Saturday, February 04, 2006

1 Comments:

At 4:28 PM, Tranquility826 said…

Oh my goodness..if I don't feel you or can relate to you on almost every level of this blog..this may sound rather cliche' but...this is a serious rough point for you and when everything finally becomes revealed you'll see the lesson from Him through it all. I'll be praying for you..thanxs for all the support, I appreciate it