<Sweet Source>

Words in Ripples...

...a destiny of streams, a reality of rivers, a hope for oceans, but a vision of seas...

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Other Side...

I've grown up around mostly men and I can now admit that as a child and most of my adolescence I lied to myself for the most part about the actual men that surrounded me...does that make sense??

I told myself that my father was a perfect family man who would bend over backward to provide for his family, who would not stop until he came up with a plan to make things better for the people he loved. I day-dreamed that he was this strong guy who knew everything and wanted and would get everything great for me and my family. And sadly, this spilled into part of my adult life and now that I can acknowledge it as my truth it's affecting the way I treat the Mr.

My father, although I won't get into too much detail, was mostly NOTHING of what I thought he was growing up. I had to see very quickly that it was not him but rather my MOTHER who was our main provider and that most of the specialties we took for granted did not come for my 'super hero' but rather mommy. She has her faults {TRUST she does} but in learning who he really was I had to give her more credit. But now I believe that learning his true character not only affects the way I look at and treat the men in my life but it also made me look at her a little different when, after 15 years he decided to come back home {sorry...yeah my dad left when i was 7 and recently moved back in with my mom}. She took him back with no questions or anything and he came right back like nothing was wrong or as if he didn't have to answer any of the questions we had brewing for more than half my life. I thought, rather I still think she's a damn fool!!! She backed down and just grinned it up but damn that, I got right in his ass and made him answer my questions, hear my pain, and acknowledge the fact that he messed up the lives of so many people and to this day, I'm still not happy or satisfied with his answers and now that I think about some of those answers I get pissed all over again. I now can never see myself allowing someone to treat me trash for soooo long and when it benefits them to allow them back into my space without so much as an apologie or Tiffany's {lol..lol}.

I believed that the 1st guy I thought I loved was the end-all-be-all. He was perfect, tall, gentle, honorable, respectful {in the beginning}, honest, made me laugh, my parents loved him, we just understood eachother and became really good friends who could tell eachother anything. Even after we realized, romantically it couldn't work at that time, we held on that probably later on down the road it would. But thank GOD He stepped in and showed me who he really was. I was forced to remove those rose colored shades and see the liar, manipulator, mean, and selfish man-whore he really was. He was no longer funny, he began to disgust me, my parents hated him, and I couldn't read him anymore. I had to admit that once again, I dressed up the shell of a mess I wanted to be a treasure.

Now that I'm with the Mr. at times I think I take it all out on him, and kinda don't expect him to get fed up lol and I know that's a problem! I don't want to trust that he loves me as much and that he'll never leave because if my father could leave and my dream could turn into a nightmare, why would I believe anyone after them. Sounds like I need to lay on someone's couch huh??? LOL I can't get it all together right now but I'm gonna work on the way I look at and love him and hopefully allow him to love me as much as he's trying. I am truely greatful for him, he has given me so much strength during this craziness with my crazy ex-roommate. We'll see, I'll keep ya posted on my progress of getting it together. lol

posted by DSweet1 @ Thursday, October 11, 2007

1 Comments:

At 1:24 PM, Tranquility826 said…

looooooool (not at ur post)..this is weird..but yes, I feel you on all of this..sidenote: I love the subtitle to ur blog..